Mind Versus Heart

It’s been some time since I last posted. Mostly in part to the back and forth that’s been drumming around in my head. It’s almost self defeating really.  Why should I feel this much pain when someone else can just walk away so easily. Deep down I hate the person I became because of it all. It’s not who I am and it’s not who I want to be. It’s insane what people can do to you. I recognize my own faults for what they were and I know why I ended up that way in the end. It was poisoning me because deep down I always knew, but never out right said it. He was never fully committed. It felt like he was complacent and self involved. I spent most of the time hoping things would change and that I’d finally be satisfied with the outcome. That’s not how it works and that’s definitely not how it should ever be. Every person out there that puts all their time, energy, and heart into someone else deserves that same passion in return. They do not deserve to be left wondering if this person will be there when things aren’t always perfect. There are those who are natural nurtures and maybe that’s me, but it should not be something so easily given away. Not anymore and definitely not to just anyone. It  needs to be earned and not taken for granted. That’s what it felt like after a while. I felt more like a care taker than a partner in a loving relationship. It’s devastating, the feeling of not being appreciated or not acknowledged as someone’s true love. Every day all I ever wanted to see was effort. I never asked for huge expensive things. I am not a material person. I just wanted to see that type of effort where the love shines through. It maddened me after so long. Feeling like I was stuck behind a glass window where he could never hear me say how he made me feel. The sad part was that I had expressed these feelings before. He just always stared back with this lost look in his eyes. This little boy look that showed he simply couldn’t comprehend what it was that I needed. After a while it just seemed like I was talking to a wall. He would never apologize for anything or even ask what was wrong so he could help. He never offered to help. I always felt I had to beg for the simplest things. His argument was that I was always angry and I’m over here exhausted because at this point he should know why. I came to the conclusion that he just never cared because he was too immature to even want to try and understand. It hurts to think that this person who I cared and loved so much never cared or loved me enough to figure things out, to help me when I needed him the most. It’s hard to not feel abandoned, sad, betrayed, and lost after all of this. I hate that I feel this way. I wish there was this magical switch where all these feelings could just be shut off and forgotten. It’s not just my mind that doesn’t stop, but my heart won’t let me be either. It forever aches and beats with sharp pain. A tug of war of playing things over and my heart just cringing with torment. I know I have to let it go, but I also can’t pretend that my heart wasn’t ripped apart. I had envisioned all these plans. Now all I have have are broken dreams that will never happen. I really wanted to live my life out happily with him…with all my heart. It sad that someone could take all this for granted and steal all this time and energy from someone who was willing to lift them up. I’m praying for peace everyday. Some days I get by just fine, but today….I woke up crying…anxieties peaking. I wish I could move on as easily as he did…..but that is just not me.

The Advise of Others Vs Your Inner Battles

Everyday is a struggle when your heart’s been shattered to a million pieces. The feeling of nausea every morning, preparing for a day of fake smiles, and your mind just won’t leave you at peace. You listen to all your friends and family. They tell you that it’s okay and that it will take time. They tell you that you are better off and that the best will come. Well, time’s horrid and your mind can be your worst enemy. No matter how much advise you hear and even if it makes things a little better hearing it from others, insecurities and not knowing what the future holds are most frightening. Every time you think you have things in order and you have a plan for the future, you get a slap to the face and knocked right back down. This is not my first knock down. I have had some tough blows, but one does get tired of getting back up. Gloomily you begin to wonder what your life is really all about, what’s really worth it anymore, and you just want to take off/disappear and leave all the bullshit behind and really live for yourself. I spent most of my life living for others giving and giving while they just take. It’s never appreciated by those you gave your all to and you wonder will there ever be that one person. You can have all the friends and family in the world, but still feel lonely in the back round looking at everyone else’s happy lives. It’s like watching a movie you wish you had a part in. How did I get here? How did  I end up with all these scars? Why am I feeling this way and the ungrateful walk off so easily without so much as a tear? I can take the advise of others, listen, and analyze. It’s the battle within my mind and what’s left of my heart that are the most difficult to bear. Those battles cannot be made to disappear so quickly even though I beg God everyday that they do. You cannot just bury it because it will just eat away at you until it all comes out at once in an overwhelming fashion. You continue to fight, trying to breathe, trying not to let it destroy you.

I look At You

I look at you not looking back at me

I’ve come to find I did not know you this whole time

I painted a picture of what I thought I had all along

I was naively wrong

Hopes and dreams of a life I wish we would’ve had

How we could have been

How we should have been

I look at you not looking back at me and I see a ghost of person who left long ago

I should have known

You were not strong enough to be by my side

I should have never let you inside

Left the doors wide open just to come out of this heart-broken

Gave all I had to give until I was tired and abused

Left with this feeling of being used

Not appreciated for things I would always do

Without extra thought, without thinking twice, I always gave my all every time

Now all there’s left are haunting rhymes that run through my mind all the time

I look at you not looking back at me and I don’t know how you could ever be this person who did this to me

What will be will be, but I will never be okay with how you treated me

May God guide me to find peace

May he see that you find the lesson you deserve

You cannot treat people with such little respect

If you find yourself alone one day

Well what the hell did you expect

I look at you at you not looking back at me

Can’t help but think I am so how free to be a better me

I am not a professional, but writing at this moment is the only thing allowing me to say what I need to say because that was not an option for me. For someone to just skip out because it was easiest for them is selfish, cowardly, and not honorable of any human being. People who gave them every piece of themselves every day for years deserve better than that. I know I am not alone with the crappy things people experience and I am also not the only decent person out there who deserves to be treated better. To all the decent people out there, stay strong and keep paying your kindness forward. We will all have our “someday”.

Cowards Run & Hide

Where were your words and opinions when they really mattered?

Where were you when the argument was always one-sided?

Where was your effort to wonder why the arguments even started?

Where were you when I needed more than your silence?

Where were you all the times I needed to be held up? Treasured…

Where are you now?

Hiding away after you walked away, bowed out so easily.

Not man enough to face the responsibilities, not man enough to stick around for the final goodbye, not man enough for closure, and not man enough to admit you did not give as much as I did.

Wore me down to the bone and you wonder why things got the way they did.

You place all the blame on me like I was the only one in this, but I guess I really was.

Cowards run and hide…like you….not even man enough to face me one more time to complete unfinished business….Why?…Feeling guilty…you should.

I am still human and we once cared for each other….seeing you like this…cold…you were not the person I thought you were, the person I hoped you would be.

Go ahead…..run and hide….I won’t. That’s the difference between you and me. I was too strong for you. Maybe that made you feel less of a man, but I shall not shrink for anyone. I’ve always been independent. I will survive this pain….all that you have caused and keep moving forward….a day at a time.

 

33…Ugh..Never thought I’d reach this age and still wonder what the hell life is about. It’s a constant struggle not to want to get caught up on money, material things, and stress. Yet, the world sucks you back in because in this day and age you need money to survive. It’s hard to find someone worthy and capable enough to join you in the journey. I still don’t know if real love will ever exist for me. Not the kind of love you get from your friends and family. I am talking about the kind of love we all yearn for. The kind that makes you feel safe, beautiful, wanted, and comfortable with your real self. Every time I think something like this could be real, I get the rug pulled out from underneath my feet. You give a piece of yourself that is either lost or damaged for a long time. There has to be something better than feeling like your heart is in your stomach every day. You start to wonder if your eight to five and dedication to returning to school is even worth it. Can I just drop everything and travel the world? Can I be the one that runs away from my responsibilities this one time? Will there ever be someone out there that loves as much as I do, is as supportive as me, as smart as me, and not intimidated by a woman with goals. I keep trying to move on. If he didn’t think it was worth fighting for, why can’t I just let go and delete him so I can forget. I deserved better than what he gave and left me with. I’ve done more for myself than he ever did for me. I guess I had to just write my thoughts out on this blog. The mind can be so consuming by trying to dissect every situation, every memory. Good or bad, the memories are the worst. They come out of no where and then the tears along with that sinking feeling. Where’s that mind wipe thing from Men in Black when you need it. Ugh…One day at a time….I have to save myself from all this somehow….

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